Tired of playing FIFA 13 like a nice guy and getting nothing out of it? Well, here are nine steps on how to be a horrible, terrible person in FIFA 13. These steps are not responsible for any loss of friends, occupation or life partner.
1. Choose the quick team.
Not an Arsenal fan? Who cares? You are now. You’ve got Walcott, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Gervinho and Podolski to stick up front, who’s going to be able to deal with that pace? No one, that’s who.
Batman knows how it is, you wouldn’t argue with Batman, would you?
2. Keep ball isn’t a weak tactic for weak men!
One-nil up after 60 minutes? There’s only one course of action there if you want to win this game. Stick your tactics to ultra-defensive and get knocking it around the defence. See it out, real football managers see games out, why not you? It’s totally justifiable. Trust me.
3. Watch those replays.
This is best combined with number five, but it works even without it. You’ve scored a goal, not only do you want to see this from three more angles but I can guarantee your opponent does too. Even if those replays last over a minute, everyone wants to admire that four-yard tap-in you just smashed home. What a finish!
4. Stick five men at the back.
Want to be literally impenetrable to any form of attack? Five men at the back and defensive tactics on. Your wing-backs’ll stick to the halfway line and that defence won’t dare roam above the centre circle. Who doesn’t want to see boring midfield battles anyway? Not you!
5. The sweaty goal.
The legendary sweaty goal has won many horrible people many a game. Why not you? Become a real man, back out of that one-on-one and pass it across to a team mate for a completely open net. I promise that Sir Alex Ferguson will be on the phone to you in minutes to congratulate you on your huge b-… muscles.
6. Be Italy.
Combine the choice of the Italian national team with number four and you’re unstoppable. Put Ogbonna, Chiellini and Abate in that five-man defence, stick Marchisio and Nocerino in the midfield and attack with Miccoli flanked by Balotelli and Giovinco. You’ll be an unstoppable force of pace, strength and irresistible beauty.
7. Buy your Ultimate Team.
You could earn your team through patience, hard work, determination and raw grit. Always remember though, real men don’t have patience and hard work is for fools. Sink £100 into Ultimate Team packs and you’ll win everyone you meet simply because you have a better team. What were you going to spend your money on anyway, a social life? Forget that, FIFA is your life now.
It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault…
8. Send your online opponent messages.
Did you just beat someone better than you? Why are you keeping it to yourself? Send them a message along the lines of “umad bro?” and “ur sh*t mate”. Shaking hands isn’t possible over the internet and this is the only replacement we have. Make use of it.
9. The unthinkable happens…
You’ve lost a game. But don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault. The game was scripted against you, your opponent has a lag switch, the FIFA servers are terrible and you were lagging the entire game. How are you supposed to play with the crap controller? My players aren’t playing as good as they normally do! Whose idea was it to play as this team!? This isn’t your fault, this isn’t your fault, say it with me, this isn’t your fault…
And there you have it, nine ways that will without a doubt make you the amazing, irrefutably incredible boss of FIFA 13. You may have lost your soul but look at what you’ve gained. You’re winning on FIFA. You’ll be the envy of everyone and the talk of the town. If you’d like some further teaching on this subject please refer to the link below for an instructional video.
Warning: this video does contain some very strong language.
YouTube legend KSI also has some valuable advice for you…
