Category: BBBG Guides

A BBBG guide to… Dodgeball

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Picture of a dodgeball player poleaxed on the ground.

The only experience most Brits will have of dodgeball will be watching the timeless comedy classic of the same name, starring Vince Vaughan as the loveable loser out to secure the future of his ‘Average Joe’s’ gym by defeating Ben Stiller in a winner takes all grudge match. Luckily for you heathens, BBBG sport make it their business to learn everything about every sport (apart from dressage). So here’s our dummies guide to dodgeball for you to peruse at your leisure…

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A BBBG guide to… being a horrible person in FIFA 13.

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Tired of playing FIFA 13 like a nice guy and getting nothing out of it? Well, here are nine steps on how to be a horrible, terrible person in FIFA 13. These steps are not responsible for any loss of friends, occupation or life partner.

1. Choose the quick team.

Not an Arsenal fan? Who cares? You are now. You’ve got Walcott, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Gervinho and Podolski to stick up front, who’s going to be able to deal with that pace? No one, that’s who.

Batman knows how it is, you wouldn’t argue with Batman, would you?

2. Keep ball isn’t a weak tactic for weak men!

One-nil up after 60 minutes? There’s only one course of action there if you want to win this game. Stick your tactics to ultra-defensive and get knocking it around the defence. See it out, real football managers see games out, why not you? It’s totally justifiable. Trust me.

3. Watch those replays.

This is best combined with number five, but it works even without it. You’ve scored a goal, not only do you want to see this from three more angles but I can guarantee your opponent does too. Even if those replays last over a minute, everyone wants to admire that four-yard tap-in you just smashed home. What a finish!

4. Stick five men at the back.

Want to be literally impenetrable to any form of attack? Five men at the back and defensive tactics on. Your wing-backs’ll stick to the halfway line and that defence won’t dare roam above the centre circle. Who doesn’t want to see boring midfield battles anyway? Not you!

5. The sweaty goal.

The legendary sweaty goal has won many horrible people many a game. Why not you? Become a real man, back out of that one-on-one and pass it across to a team mate for a completely open net. I promise that Sir Alex Ferguson will be on the phone to you in minutes to congratulate you on your huge b-… muscles.

6. Be Italy.

Combine the choice of the Italian national team with number four and you’re unstoppable. Put Ogbonna, Chiellini and Abate in that five-man defence, stick Marchisio and Nocerino in the midfield and attack with Miccoli  flanked by Balotelli and Giovinco. You’ll be an unstoppable force of pace, strength and irresistible beauty.

7. Buy your Ultimate Team.

You could earn your team through patience, hard work, determination and raw grit. Always remember though, real men don’t have patience and hard work is for fools. Sink £100 into Ultimate Team packs and you’ll win everyone you meet simply because you have a better team. What were you going to spend your money on anyway, a social life? Forget that, FIFA is your life now.

It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault…

8. Send your online opponent messages.

Did you just beat someone better than you? Why are you keeping it to yourself? Send them a message along the lines of “umad bro?” and “ur sh*t mate”. Shaking hands isn’t possible over the internet and this is the only replacement we have. Make use of it.

9. The unthinkable happens…

You’ve lost a game. But don’t worry, it wasn’t your fault. The game was scripted against you, your opponent has a lag switch, the FIFA servers are terrible and you were lagging the entire game. How are you supposed to play with the crap controller? My players aren’t playing as good as they normally do! Whose idea was it to play as this team!? This isn’t your fault, this isn’t your fault, say it with me, this isn’t your fault…

And there you have it, nine ways that will without a doubt make you the amazing, irrefutably incredible boss of FIFA 13. You may have lost your soul but look at what you’ve gained. You’re winning on FIFA. You’ll be the envy of everyone and the talk of the town. If you’d like some further teaching on this subject please refer to the link below for an instructional video.

Warning: this video does contain some very strong language.
YouTube legend KSI also has some valuable advice for you…

 

 

 

A BBBG guide to… Squash

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Squash has been a somewhat niche sport for over a century now but, thanks to a boom in participation across the Middle East and Asia, the sport looks like it could explode onto the global scene over the next decade. With a target of becoming an olympic sport by 2020, there is a huge drive in Britain and abroad to raise the profile of the game. BBBG sport is on hand to give you a dummies guide to the game…

1. History

The games origins lie at Harrow School, where the younger boys who couldn’t find a racquets court outside improvised and started using rooms indoors with rubber balls instead of harder ones. The sport grew in popularity in the 20th century and in 1928 the Squash Rackets Association was formed to set standards for squash in Great Britain. Over the next few decades, squash spread to the rest of the world and now has a competitive circuit worldwide.

2. “World’s healthiest sport” (As reported by Forbes Magazine)

If you’re looking to lose weight, or push yourself to the limit of your physical potential, you’ll do well to find a better sport than squash. In one hour of intense matchplay, players can burn off up to 1000 calories whilst attempting to keep control over a tiny ball travelling anything up to 170 mph.

 

3. The court
Diagram of a squash court

©BBC Sport

The front, and largest, wall has three parallel lines marked out. The out line, which runs along the top of the wall and carries on to descend down the side walls until it meets the back wall, marks the highest point in which the ball may strike. Any higher and the point is lost. The middle line and lower line (“tin”) mark where the ball must strike when the ball is served. Anything higher or lower than these will result in a lost point.

A squash court consists of a playing surface surrounded by walls on all four sides. The court surface contains a front line separating the front and back of the court and a half court line, separating the left and right hand sides of the back portion of the court, creating three boxes – the front half, the back left quarter and the back right quarter. Both the back two boxes contain smaller service boxes. The floor markings only come into play during a serve.

 

4. Rules

The aim of the game is to simply keep hitting the ball against the front wall until your opponent can’t return it.
To get a point underway, the server hits the ball at the front wall, making sure at least one foot is in contact with the service box. The serve must land in the opposite back quarter of the court for it to be legitimate and if the server wins the point, the players switch sides for the following point.
During play, after the serve, each player takes it in turns to hit the ball between the tin and out line, using the side and back walls if necessary. Once the ball hits the front wall, it may only bounce once before it is returned.
The winner of a game is the first to 11 points, although they must win by two clear points. The winner of a match is usually the first to three in a “best of five” format but this depends on the country you’re playing in and at what level.

 

5. Equipment

 

The basic equipment used for playing squash is a racquet, usually made of graphite, and a ball. The type of ball varies depending on the level of the competition, with a colour system used to determine which is which. Beginners will use a blue ball, which travels faster and bounces much higher, whereas players on the competition circuits will use the double yellow ball which is very slow, making it harder to play with.

 

6. The Future

 

Squash is undergoing something of a renaissance right now, and there have been persistent calls to have the sport included in the 2020 Olympics rosta. If you want to get involved in the campaign, check out squash2020.com for more details.

 

7.Getting involved

 

There are several clubs in the Lincoln area that cater for all levels of experience. For a club directory in the United Kingdom, go to englandsquashandracketball.com. Here you can find clubs, competitions or even just courts at your local leisure centre. The whole website is ideal for finding out more about the game, and is pretty much a hub for squash in the United Kingdom.
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